On Time...

I'm full of questions today.

If you follow me on Twitter, or if we're FB friends, you know that I woke up fragmented and fearful, and that early this morning, after a sleepless and scattered night, I put my (long and multiplying) to-do list on hold to contemplate Psalm 103 for a while...everlasting to everlasting. Exhale and repeat.

Everlasting to everlasting.

My questions today are about time. My first question is this: how do I get more time?

That's what everyone wants to know. I know that there are only a certain amount of minutes, days, hours. But I feel like I could fill a thousand days in a row, without taking a breath.

I love being with my kids. I want to spend more time with my husband. There are so many books I want to read. There's a long list of people I want to have over for dinner, and an equally long list of recipes I want to try (among them: chimichurri sauce, massaman curry, and Vietnamese pho). I want to start practicing hot yoga. I want to sleep until I feel rested. I find that writing always takes so much more time than I anticipate. I have trouble keeping up with my inbox, and my FB inbox is an especially scary place. I want to schedule phone dates with my friends who live faraway. I keep meaning to sort through all Henry's guys and throw away the ones that have only one arm or no head. I want to pick up the dry cleaning that's been at the cleaners for three weeks. I should be posting here more like three times a week, not three times a month. I want to roast garbanzo beans and try to curl my hair based on a youtube video that Brannon sent me. I want to read the Bible every day. I feel guilty about my skin care regimen (confession: even after the Kiehl's lady lectured me, I still use baby wipes on my face.). I haven't been to New York City since college.

And, and, and...

And at the end of the day, more often than not, I'm flat-out exhausted, numb-minded, glassy-eyed, aching for rest. I should reply to emails. I should fold laundry. I like the idea of going to yoga. I should read. But I curl up on the couch, glass of wine in one hand, iPad in the other, and I mindlessly flick my finger across images on Pinterest while we watch the shows we've DVR'd.

The days fly by and then the weeks fly by, and all of a sudden we have a five month old (LOVE!), but I'm still dragging around a shocking amount of baby weight (eight days of tacos and beer in Mexico didn't do me any favors on that front). And there are perpetual piles of laundry to be folded and errands to be run. There's been a pair of boots in the back of my car waiting to go to the shoe repair shop since before Mac was born. Again, he's five months old.

So we're talking about time, and we're talking about values, and we're talking about the hard, daily choices that we all make to square our days to our values and use our time in ways we believe in. When it comes right down to it, of course, time is our greatest resource, and this is the thing: I fear I'm spending mine poorly.

If you've read Bittersweet, you know about my list of Things I Don't Do. In a nutshell, my friend Denise told me once that it's not hard to decide what you want your life to be about, but that the hard thing is deciding what you're willing to give up in order to do those things. Our conversation inspired me to make a list of Things I Do, and Things I Don't Do.

I'm pretty clear on the list, and pretty consistent about it. My priorities are my family, writing, reading, close friends, and the meals we share. I don't make my bed, garden, bake, or spend time with people just because I can't figure out how to say no to them.

I feel like I've cut out the first wave, the obvious things, but that even among the "right" things, something's got to give. I know this is a season. I know an infant that doesn't always sleep through the night is a major part of why I feel tired. I know a book deadline adds some serious pressure. I know traveling a few times a month for speaking events adds a little chaos and a little less sense of routine. But there will always be something, and I want to live well now, not just grind through the days hoping that in some far-off season, it will get easier.

I feel like I'm always hustling, always multi-tasking, always rushing, and at the same time, never doing even close to enough. It feels like if I'm this tired at the end of the day, I should have a lot more to show for it, or, on the flipside, like if things are going to be so undone and chaotic and perenially half-finished, I should at least be less stressed and better rested. I feel like I'm in the no-man's-land of hustle, like there must be something I'm missing in all this.

So I'm totally asking for help: what have you learned on the topic of time management, or priorities, or giving your energy to the best things?

How do you find time to do the things that matter to you, even in busy seasons?

What are some hard choices you've made to live at a pace that works well for your life?

Have you tried something that hasn't worked?

Who has been an example to you as you've worked this out in your own life?

I hope you're sensing by now that this isn't something that struck me abstractly as a good idea for a blog post. This is right where I am, right this second, and if I could take each one of you out for coffee (wouldn't that be fun?), this is what I would lean over the table and ask you about.

Help?

Comments

[bethany]

I think, at this point in your life, you need an assistant to keep up with the inboxes and extraneous errands, at least a day or two per week. Or a housekeeper that will sort through toys and do some laundry and tidy up the place.
This is assuming that you have those resources, but if not and it's all you that has to make the magic happen, I'd say that the best thing is to make a routine for yourself.
A routine is the only way I've been able to tackle writing projects after my 9 to 5 job. I choose what evenings are dedicated to which projects, and I have to say no to friends that ask me out for dinner in order to do it. I hate saying no, but it's better for my sanity if I wait until I'm not going to be thinking, "I should have gotten that article done before I spent an evening out." I say no now so that I can say yes later, because otherwise I'm tuning out the people I love while my anxiety gives me a lecture at the dinner table.

[Eating as a Path to Yoga]

I think we need to find joy in our present situation. We need also need subtract the things that do not bring us joy, & if we can't we need to seek answers as to how might bring joy to them. It sounds like you've done that with the THINGS YOU DO/DONT DO.

There so many timesucks out there: facebook, twitter, reality tv. All of these things are fine in balance.

Sometimes we need to reach out for support.
Sometimes we need to resign ourselves to doing a good enough job.

Priorities. Imperfectly done.
eatingasapathtoyoga.wordpress.com

[Bekah]

Love this post - I don't always manage my time well, but I find that if I spend my first and last moments of my day in communication with God I always feel better about my day - like it was more successful. When I'm ultra busy, I find the moments I'm free and then one by one block out time for what I've been wanting to do, starting with the most important to me that will bring the most joy and satisfaction. I also must give myself grace, even if it takes me a month to finish my list, at least I did. I find it really hard to say no to the things I like to do, but don't LOVE to do. It's a sacrifice that has to go when my schedule is so crazy. The ladies in Student Development at Judson were good examples to me, what choices do I choose and how do I choose them?! Their thoughts are reflected above :)

[Jenny Lundquist]

Wow, this is a great post. I feel like you just described my life, except my boys are 8 and 5. In order to make life work for me, I had to cut out TV (or at least, I had, until I signed up for Netflix so I could blast through the final season of Friday Night Lights). I've also had to acknowledge that I'm just not as open to having new friendships as I once was. I want to be the friendly person I believe myself to be, but I barely have enough time to keep up with the friendships I already have. As much as I want to grow in my faith, right now I won't commit to a weekly Bible study. That's a hard choice, but I don't want to spend a night away from my kids--and to that end I rarely get together with my friends on weeknights. There's just too much to do. I also don't sign my kids up for organized sports. Sometimes I feel like other parents think I'm doing my kids a disservice, but my boys would rather have free time, and I'm not willing to make our week even more hectic and miss out on family dinners, something that's a real priority to me.

Anyway, those are the choices I've had to make, hope it helps!

[robyn]

tried that didn't work - i tried to clean a little each day. i ended up feeling like i was cleaning all the time, which for me is a bummer. so now my MIL has a grandma date with Owen one day a week, and i use that time to clean the house, get caught up on writing and knitting/internet related stuff that needs more concentrated attention.

i do laundry as-needed, and wipe down counters, but otherwise i clean only once a week. and it's glorious!

[BH]

Love the honesty of your post, you are always at your very best when you write like this. Most interesting people face what your face - so much to do and so little time. Perhaps very organised people often might not relate, but in my experience highly organised people are often less relational, rarely creative and often rigid (or maybe that's how I make myself feel better!!)

My children are now 13, 10 and 7, but I remember very clearly feeling how you felt. I look back now and wonder why I flogged myself so hard and didn't just really accept that I was in a very demanding, inefficient stage of life with little kids. It will never get much harder than the stage you are at now. My advice to you is outsource as much as possible, spend money on getting help with cleaning etc. Even if you go backwards financially you will keep your sanity. Also, if you want to keep your book deadline you will probably have to give up one or two 'Things I do' - brutal as it sounds. You can have it all, but you can't have it all at once. There will be time to get fit, keep on top of your emails etc, but probably not now with everything else you do. Embrace the chaos and find God right with you there!

[Straight talk]

Someone needs to sit you down and speak truth into you. Apparently no one is...I have nothing to lose here so I will.

"Why are you doing so much....when most of it simply doesn't matter". Not really.

You aren't saying no to yourself!

Would the world have stopped if you didn't write your third book in and around the same time you carried and bore a child? Pick three areas of your life to focus on and simply say no to the rest.

You're taking on the same crazy schedule as a male executive who works 20 hour days and travels 3.5 weeks a month. On retirement day, ask that executive if he'd do it again? Most would say no...I wish I had spent more time with my family.

Say no to yourself. You can't expect to be on top of your household duties AND be out of the country for ten days.. You can't enjoy these precious "baby days" with your newborn son/spend more time with your husband AND travel to far off cities to do book readings.

Something has to give or your days will get darker....not lighter.

Godspeed.

[Lauren Francis]

I resonate so much with this post! I don't have kids or a house or a book deadline, but I often find myself making impossible mental checklists that I will never complete even if I had a time-maching that would multiply my hours by ten.

Firstly, I absolutely disagree with the idea the thou have to give some of your most highly prioritized things up to be able to figure this situation out. You said yourself that your priorities are family, writing, reading,friends and sharing meals. I believe that these are so much more than just things that you LOVE but things that literally feed your soul. I don't think you must deprive yourself of any of these, because it seems like they are God-given desires. I have done this in my own life, and experienced great pain and loss, like a part of my soul was missing.

With that said, I feel like in the seasons where we are busy with things that we have to be busy with (i.e.:writing, children, housework, etc.) we have to stop and make a plan. For example, I have a million things going on at once, but I nannied full-time for a sweet newborn baby and am surprised how much work I can got done during his naps. I wanted so badly to watch whatever was on the DVR, but made it a point to spend that time doing the work (writing, homework, cleaning, planning, etc) that I needed to do. I may not be a mother, but I have learned to appreciate nap times more than ever.

That seems like a pretty small thing, but those hours add up. I also made the HARD choice to deactivate my Netflix account/not DVR any shows. For me, I told myself that if I got my work done in time to watch whatever show, then I could watch it as my reward. If not, too bad. It was tough, but I had my roommates keep me accountable and found myself wasting a lot less time.

Hope something works out for you Shauna. The ways you've impacted my life have been monumental and I am grateful for that! Praying clarity, perseverance and rest over you!!

[Jodie]

Hi Shauna,

You articulated exactly how I feel today - some of the details differ but the gist is the same - especially the bit about keeping up friendships. I have a 9 month old and a 2 year old. The best advice I have been given came from my mum:

Focus on the necessities of life for you and your family - food, clothes, shelter, and sleep.

I still have post-it with these four words up on my fridge. I find it interesting that when I whittle life back to these four things I find I have little increments for other things.

Hope this helps you as much as it helped me.

[Sarah Spezia]

I am a college student and last semester I had mono. This meant I had to figure out how to better manage my time because most of the time I was sleeping or needing to rest (kind of, if we're being honest). I felt like accomplishing my to-do list was even less likely than usual, because I was less capable. Before this, I thought I had learned the lesson of giving up control of big things and plans, but God began to teach me giving up control of daily, small things to him. That a to-do list doesn't define me, and what I get done in a day doesn't define me. When I am productive, I feel like I have more valuable - that I'm good for something and thus a better person. But this just isn't true. My boyfriend, Marcos, reminded me almost daily that if I didn't do anything on my to-do list, it wouldn't diminish my worth. Thank God for gracious people who remind us of truths when we don't seek God for them ourselves or we have blinders on. It's been a process. I'd say something applicable that I've learned is that when I have a list of things I want to begin doing or do more of, I focus on one thing at a time. Instead of writing a to-do list of five different things that are not typically daily routines or to-dos, I write one of those on the daily to-do list. Ex: Yoga, calling long distance friends, writing (although for you, that is a more consistent thing), trying a new recipe, going for a bike ride. ONE thing is way more doable and better for the mind than writing down 2 or more and inevitably "failing." Anything that makes you feel incapable needs to stop. And being okay with one thing needs to be a mindset, too. It seems like so many other woman can do a million things at once, but they can't. Life is too chaotic and there's no time to process and grow when we try to accomplish or focus on more than one new thing anyway.

[Lesley Miller]

I think you are probably familiar with Nancy Ortberg...and her chapter on Balance really hit home for me last year when I was in a similar state of chaos. I found it online-- http://www.mops.org/printer_friendly.php?pageid=2007&srctype=print&src=1008

My favorite part: "I do think that part of the draw we feel toward balance is God’s fault. Such a marvelous world he created. The thought that I can grow roses, and lead a meeting where great ideas and strategies emerge, and study the history of Europe, and ride a horse, and get lost in the words and melody of a poem, and seriously consider the economic forces of poverty and try to help change them, and bake a banana cream pie and relish every bite…there are too many wonderful things, so much I do not want to miss. One life is not enough."

When I am really insanely busy to the point where I feel anxiety, I try to remember the mantra, "One life is not enough." This phrase reminds me to be grateful, while also reminding me I'll never enjoy/be/and accomplish all that I want. I will never try all the recipes I want to try, or have all the people over form church that I'd like to host, or get in enough exercise, or read all the books on my list.

Also, it helps me to plan each month out to include the things I want and need to function well. I create little rules for myself like: lunch dates are allowed on Fridays; host only one dinner party a month; try to do yoga once a week, and twice if the baby is sleeping well. (Like you, I have an infant). Try one new recipe a week--the rest of the days are either bulk meals, pre-made Trader Joe's meals, etc.

[dianewickstrom@mac.com]

Shauna, thank you for this post. first, I would like to say I am glad you chose to pause this morn and put the to do list on hold... too often on dark mornings after sleepless nights, I charge at my day like an unskilled karate guy trying to head butt a stack of bricks! not pretty. That being said, more than once have I thought, while staring at my stack of unread books and untried recipes and intended-but-not-actualized get togethers... if I could just figure out how shauna does it... ;-) no answers to those big questions you ask ... except taking small breaks throughout day to decompress so you are not so exhausted by evening.... and also accepting the fact that life is coming at you 1,000 times faster than you can swallow it and leaving it to the Divine to put in front of you the choice morsels that will serve you best... as well as ritually journaling the days thoughts/events, even for 5 minutes, seems to help to slow down the whirring by of the days. And I was struck the other day, as I reviewed all the "constructive" criticism I had given my son that day... clean up as you go.. don't let mean people bother you... the healthier you eat and the more you sleep the better you will feel... don't worry so much about coloring outside the lines... let's give ourselves a "dee da day".. what is best for our babies is often what is best for us..no? ;-)

[Ron Minatrea]

Wow, so much I want to say, but so little space in this venue. I will speak out of my own journey and struggles, try to hit the high spots – and hope something finds a home.

It seems you are seeking what I call a “peace in your pace.” And the answers are much more in the peace than the pace part of that equation. Some of my most peaceful times have come traveling 600 miles an hour on a long international flight. On the other hand after retiring over a year ago and moving into the home of our dreams in a small East Texas town, we found a much slower pace – but that did not equate to peace. Don’t get me wrong, the slower pace is wonderful – and it allows times of reflection, retreat, and refreshing that make the pursuit of peace easier – but a slower pace without real peace can lead to emptiness, boredom or depression without the diversions of busyness.

My path to peace starts with focusing much more on who I am than what I do. I’ve come to apply this to just about every aspect of my life – even my vision for the future is much more about who I can become than what I can or will achieve.

Lastly, Proverbs tells us over and over to make plans and to work hard at them. But it also tells that God enjoys revealing his plans for us along the way. So, if we are to enjoy the plans he has for us, we have to hold our own plans loosely, be open to moment by moment or day by day changes that will continually keep us on His path for us.

[Hanni]

I don't have all the answers by any means. I feel the same way you do most days but one thing that has helped me is getting rid of our stuff, and continuing to do that on a consistent basis. When we have less stuff we have less to take care of and can enjoy the things and people we do have. When we have less clothes we have less laundry, when there are less toys we have less to pick up at the end of the day, etc etc.

A couple of resouces/blogs that have helped me.

simplemom.net she wrote organized simplicity which has some great thoughts on how to simplify your life and your home.
smallnotebook.com is another blog that is really simple and very helpful

I liked the book simplicity parenting because it made me realize how few toys my kids really need and how much better we all do with less stuff.

[Meredith @ meredithannemiller.com]

I'll echo Jenny...during one of these seasons, I committed to giving up TV (for about 3-4 weeks). Other than pre-determining I wouldn't watch it, I didn't set any other agenda for my evenings. The by-product was that I often just read, but sometimes did laundry, or dishes, or something else on that never ending list. But with so much 'open' evening in front of me, it just felt different. After the month, I just felt more rested, and I was actually fairly caught up on things.

As for the long-term, I try to use my mornings as much as my evenings. There are a few hours for me to capture before work, so I try not to waste them--I exercise here, read things that fill me up, even put a show or music on while getting ready that makes me cheerful. It often makes more of my day feel like 'mine' when I spend 9-10 hours at work.

[Should Take My Own Advice]

Go to bed earlier. That's it. Sadly, that means sacrificing the couch/dvr/pinterest time, but it will help in every other area. I wish I'd had the discipline to do it sooner. It seems stupid when your nights are interrupted, but every single minute of sleep helps the next day. Promise.

[http://jill-unaccountedforsofar.blogspot.com/]

My child crying in the middle of the nights are long behind me but, what you have written here sounds like a page out of one of my journals from back in the day. We were a two income household, with babysitters in our home, and finally a montessori that fed my soul. I felt like a failure because I couldn't get everything done. I thought I should be supermom and I couldn't. Looking back at that time, I feel that I wasn't present even when I was there. I had too many distractions that I thought were important.
You need to find a new balance for yourself, a new normal.One more baby doesn't just mean less sleep and more laundry. It is all the other stuff-carrying the carseat in and out of the car and keeping big brother safe too. The feedings while you wonder why it is so quiet all of a sudden and where did brother go? It is a different stress that didn't just double. It grew beyond. Think about what you can do that will minimize the stress for yourself. Maybe one less dinner cooked with friends or one less speaking engagement. Only you can figure out what the normal for you should feel like. Always remember, you are a good mother.

[Allison]

Thanks so much for this post! This is such a struggle of mine. I don't even have kids or a spouse, and still life seems to be so crazy. I was actually thinking about this after reading your chapter \\\\\\\"Writing in Pencil\\\\\\\" in Cold Tangerines recently. You talk in that chapter about this longing to feel like you've \\\\\\\"arrived,\\\\\\\" and reading that made me realize that a big part of my idea of \\\\\\\"arriving\\\\\\\" is that my days will be well ordered, with meaningful work and meaningful time with people and time for activities I find life-giving--and I'll be rested and my living space will be clean and organized. I keep striving and striving, trying to get there, and yet I'm farther from that than I've ever been. I'm not sure what the answer is. Sorry I don't have any advice! Right now my only strategy is to pray hourly--sometimes more frequently!--that God would help me order my day.

[Donna]

Shauna, I have been where you are.
Two things I have learned...always choose to do the \\\"thing\\\" that will go with you into eternity (for example, spending time with kids vs. folding laundry) and if you do, God has an amazing way of expanding time to allow some of those not so eternal things to get done...at least to a point where He knows you can live with it. It takes practice, but eventually...you get the hang of it, and you find yourself letting things go you never thought you could. And being thankful and amazed at all the time He has given you.

My devotional today said, \\\"You must discipline yourself to live within the boundaries of today.\\\" I love that. I've lost a few people this past year and had some hard experiences... they have taught me that today is it. Choosing \\\"what is best\\\" means listening for His heart, reaching for His hand and knowing He is there. Today. Wishing you peace and resolution and a feeling of living well in this moment!

[andreaavery219@hotmail.com]

I am 45 with a 4 year old and work 3 days a week outside of the home. I try to concentrate on her as much as I can on the 2 days I'm home with her. But every day seems to be exhausting. I just have sort of resolved myself that this is the way it is going to be for a while. The season, as you say. I do find myself zoning out on the computer (pinterest, facebook, my blog) a lot at night because I'm too tired to do much else. And it doesn't feel productive.

How much \\\"inspiration\\\" do I really need to see before I get off my butt and start producing some new artwork or writing? And looking at all the super mom blogs where the details of the parties and outfits are so planned - at a certain point it just makes me feel inadequate. How do they find the time? So I am really trying to limit the time I spend on the internet. During the day I used to check email or look up a recipe and then find that I'd been on the computer for 30 minutes. I am now following Progressive Pioneer's simple suggestion for handling that and it has helped. http://www.progressivepioneer.com/progressive-pioneer/2012/02/how-to-keep-the-computer-off-all-day.html

I liked Hanni's idea of getting rid of stuff. We are getting ready to move and I am thrilled with the idea of purging a lot of things - less to take care of.

And I think getting a full 8 hours of sleep is really important, for me anyway. I know with a little one, this is hard. But I still take a nap with my daughter every Tuesday and Thursday when I'm home with her. It is my biggest luxury and I love the cuddling time.

It is so hard. And again, I think it is harder now because we have more moms to compare ourselves to (love/hate with the internet). Just keep being true to your family, writing, reading, close friends, and the meals you share. Try to let go of the distractions of DVR, etc. And don't give up on the wine :-).